A Day in Salem
by kia's citation
Summary: CHAPTER 2 UP! Marlena confesses, Brady sees the ghosts, Belle threatens Shawn, and LUMI! (caution: some violence and innuendo, plenty of insanity)
1. Another Day, Another Murder

Silly little story inspired by the insanity of Days lately. Please no one get offended by this!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own DOOL. If I did, I'd kill off Jan.  
  
(^_~) One day, in Salem City...  
  
It's the morning after Victor's death, and Bo walks into Salem P.D. Headquarters, fresh from Europe, and ready to busts some Dimera heads.  
  
Bo: Come on guys, we gotta get on this case. Those Dimeras are going DOWN!!  
  
Faceless Cop 1: (Scared and Confused): Uhhh, Commander Brady, Tony isn't the serial killer, he's uh, dead, remember?  
  
Bo: That's the perfect alibi, ISN'T IT? I wouldn't put it past those damn Dimeras to fake their deaths, and YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER!!  
  
Faceless Cop 1: But Tony was kinda mauled by a tiger.  
  
Faceless Cop 2: With dozens of witnesses.  
  
Faceless Cop 1: Many of those witnesses are impressionable children who now need years of counseling and therapy.  
  
Bo: SO THAT'S DIMERA'S PLAN! MAKING THE YOUTH OF SALEM INCAPABLE OF THOUGHT AND FEELING! I KNEW IT! HE'LL PAY! PAY FOR RUINING THE BRADY FAMILY!  
  
Bo is foaming at the mouth while the other two cops whisper amongst themselves.  
  
Faceless Cop 1: Look, we've obviously made the right decision. So you tell him.  
  
Faceless Cop 2: ME! NO way! We'll umm, tell him together.  
  
Bo: TELL ME WHAT! WHAT DID DIMERA DO!  
  
Faceless Cop 2: OK, see, while you were in London, we umm, made a permanent decision about the new commander.  
  
Bo: (smiles) Really?? When do I get my official badge? I need it to go after...  
  
Faceless Cop 2: Dimera, we know. Anyway, you don't get the position.  
  
Bo: WHAT! Then who does?  
  
Faceless Cop 1&2 (whispers): Your wife.  
  
Faceless Cop 1: See, when you were here, we accomplished nothing. With Hope in charge, well, we still accomplish nothing, but faster!  
  
Faceless Cop 2: And more thoroughly!  
  
Bo: ....I guess it won't be so bad with Hope in charge. Where is she?  
  
Hope (walking in the station) I'm right here. Bo, I'm glad you're here. I have big news about your position.  
  
Bo: What?  
  
Hope: Your fired.  
  
Bo: WHAT!!!  
  
Hope: its just business Bo. Running around calling a dead guy the killer is making the Salem PD look incompetent. We're incompetent anyway; I don't need you adding to that.  
  
Bo (tearing up) BUT BUT THAT DIM...  
  
Hope: Oh be quiet. Besides I have an extra special assignment for you.  
  
(^_^)  
  
Marlena walks to Salem Place to have coffee and read the paper. She browses the power tool stores. She picks up some drills and chainsaws, wondering how creative she can with her next ungodly killing. Stabbing and shooting people was getting old. She goes back to the penthouse around noon because, well, face it, Marlena never works.  
  
Marlena opens the front door, and puts down her bags when she sees Brady in the living room.  
  
Marlena: Why, what are you doing here?  
  
Brady: I know, I know, Marlena!!  
  
Marlena: Know what?  
  
Brady: You killed them?? ALL OF THEM!! WHY???  
  
Marlena started sobbing, thinking how awful it is that her stepson, the young little boy she raised...will never see the light of day again.  
  
She takes out her battery-powered drill and pokes him in the eye.  
  
Brady: AHHHH (he falls to the floor)  
  
Marlena breaks a vase on the wall and hovers it over Brady's stomach.  
  
Marlena: Any last words sweetie?  
  
Brady: Yeah, why'd you kill all my ants? I came here to get my ant farm, and it's gone!!  
  
Marlena (snaps her fingers) Oh, yeah! Belle wanted to keep them in her apartment. (Thinks for a second) Wait, you didn't think I was the serial killer did you?  
  
Brady: (Bleeding profusely) NO! Can you call a hospital?  
  
Marlena: (Looks at eyeless, bloody Brady) Sweetie, It would be cruel of me to let you live like this.  
  
Brady: NO IT WOULDN'T!  
  
Marlena: This is for your own good. (More stabbing)  
  
(^_^)  
  
Bo is busy at work at the assignment Hope gave him; caring for Zack. He is in their kitchen preparing baby food when Zack comes in from the bathroom with a newspaper.  
  
Bo: Does my baby boy need a new diapey! Goo-gooy goo-gooy goo!!  
  
Zack: I'm four years old, you idiot. I don't wear diapers and I don't drink infant formula or eat baby food.  
  
Bo: OH MY GOD!! MY BABY BOY'S FIRST WORDS!! (beams with pride)  
  
Zack: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Have you found out Marlena's the killer yet?  
  
Bo: Marlena's not the killer, you silly!! She's not a Dimera!  
  
Zack: God, Kill me now.  
  
Bo: (condescendingly, pointing a finger in Zack's face) Don't you worry!! No one will kill you! Not while Daddy and Mommy's on the case!  
  
Zack: HA! First off, Mommy fired you, because of your blatant incompetence. Secondly, it's not like she'll make a difference, she's only a little smarter than YOU!  
  
Bo: How'd you learn such big-grown up words? Zack: I don't want to keep rolling my eyes. Please say less stupid things. Tell me, has Shawn Douglas exposed Marlena yet? I hope I didn't make those subliminal messages in his CDs for nothing!  
  
Bo: Big brother Shawn is just fine, don't you worry!!  
  
Zack: Ugh, just give me that mush you've prepared so I can leave.  
  
(^_^)  
  
Jennifer is 'driving' Patrick to the hospital so he can have his back checked out. His shirt is off for some reason. Jennifer hits a stop sign, mailbox, and phone booth before getting off her block.  
  
Patrick (scared shitless): Do you usually have much trouble with driving?  
  
Jen (turning to look at him and NOT the road): Well no! Oh, I ran over you, but that was at night. And dark. I can't believe how dark night can get!  
  
Patrick (noticing the cars swerving out of their way): Ahhh, say, why don't you let me drive?  
  
Jen: No way! I'm a great driver! Wait a second (Jennifer stops the car at an intersection, causing other cars to brake abruptly) I did almost drive off a bridge a couple years back. But it was raining! Driving in rain is hard!  
  
Patrick: (still scared) Uh huh, but you're, uhhh, pregnant right?! You shouldn't overexert yourself! Heh-heh.  
  
Jen (smiling obliviously) You're right! I can't believe everyone warned me against letting you, a perfect stranger, spend the night at my house!  
  
Patrick: Go figure.  
  
Jen: I know! I'll pick up my daughter and my Gram, so they can go with us. I'll drive to Gram's house, and then you can drive to the hospital!  
  
(Patrick prays that they make it to Gram's house alive)  
  
(^_^)  
  
Hope is at the police station interrogating Nicole.  
  
Hope: Dammit Nicole, you had the means and a motive to kill Victor! Admit it!  
  
Nicole: Look, I'm not the serial killer, and I DIDN'T kill Victor! Ask Brady, he's my alibi, he'll tell you where I was when Victor died!  
  
Hope: (thinking aloud) I guess you have been hanging around with Brady a lot lately. If you WERE the serial killer, He'd find out about you, and I'm sure you'd kill him first.  
  
Nicole: EXACTLY!!  
  
Faceless Cop 1: (storming in the room) Commander! Brady Black is dead!  
  
Nicole: DAMMIT!!  
  
(^_^)  
  
Belle has heard about Brady's death, and runs to the pub very distraught.  
  
Belle: MIMI! OH MIMI! I need you! (sobs)  
  
Mimi: (in her waitress uniform, serving people) Belle? I'm busy working right now.  
  
Belle's sadness is briefly overshadowed by confusion, as she comprehends the complex idea of 'working'.  
  
Belle: Can't you work later?  
  
Mimi: I guess I can take a break. What's up?  
  
Belle: Oh it's horrible! Brady is dead!!  
  
Mimi: Oh God, Belle, I'm so sorry.  
  
Belle: I KNOW! Do you know what this does to my perfect family! First my parents are separated, now my brother is dead!! It's awful!  
  
Mimi (shocked by Belle's horrendously selfish reaction) Um, Belle, don't you thinking Brady being dead is a little more important than your parents separating?  
  
Belle: NO! It's all a conspiracy against me!! I'm supposed to be the most perfect beautiful blonde girl in the world!! With perfect loving parents! And a perfect devoted boyfriend! And a perfect big brother!! Brady can't be perfect if he's DEAD!!!  
  
Mimi (a little shocked): It's ok Belle.  
  
Belle: Without my perfect family I won't be perfect!! Oh, just think if my mom wasn't a respected doctor! What if she was divorced? What if she was a poor, country gold-digger with bad taste? I'd have turned out terrible!  
  
Mimi (a little pissed): Well, you turned out fine.  
  
Belle (happy): Mimi, you're right! I am perfect no matter what my family's like! I feel SO much better! You can go back to that working thing you do now!  
  
(Belle leaves, and Mimi goes to the ladies' room, to bang her head against the wall.)  
  
(^_^)  
  
Next time: Brady meets up with the other ghosts. Patrick meets up with Gram and Abby. John acts like an idiot. Shawn acts like a bigger idiot. Phillip and Kate mourn Victor, and Sami and Lucas act NORMAL! 


	2. Idiots, Idiots, Everywhere!

A Day in Salem pt. 2  
  
Marlena is horrified at what she's done to Brady, as well as everyone else. She convinces herself it's best to just confess to John and go to jail. She runs to the police station with a heavy heart.  
  
Marlena: John! It's terrible what's happened!!  
  
John: (hugs Marlena) Doc, everything will be okay. I'll keep you safe, and find out who's guilty for killing my son.  
  
Marlena: John, I have a confession! I am the guilty one!  
  
John: (whispering, like he always does) I know you're guilty of loving Brady too much, Doc. But that was a good thing.  
  
Marlena: No, I've done terrible things. I killed Brady and all the others!  
  
John: (still whispering, hugging tighter) I know you feel responsible for the murders since you couldn't prevent them. It's okay.  
  
Marlena: It's not okay. I poked a hole in Brady's eyes and then stabbed him to death.  
  
John: We all have weird dreams Doc. And that's a fact.  
  
Marlena: LOOK YOU IDIOT. I KILLED BRADY WITH MY OWN TWO HANDS! I KILLED EVERYONE ELSE! I AM THE SALEM SERIAL KILLER!!!!!!!!!  
  
John: It's good that you're thinking like the killer. With your help, we'll catch this maniac soon.  
  
Marlena: ggrrrrrr.  
  
(^_^)  
  
(Brady wanders around a dark void until he sees 2 large elevators. One is marked HELL and the other is marked HEAVEN. Looking down, he sees a small doggie door that is marked "PEOPLE KILLED BY MARLENA." He gets on his knees and crawls awkwardly through that door.)  
  
Brady (crawling): Well this isn't fair.  
  
(Brady crawls into a tiny place that resembles a hideous dentist office waiting room. Brady looks up to see Jack. Half of his skull is missing and his brain leaking out.)  
  
Brady: EWWW!  
  
Jack: Oh be quiet One Eye. We all have to look they way we did when we died. It's punishment for being too stupid to realize the killer is Marlena.  
  
(Abe, Roman, and Tony are also there, with whatever final injuries they had)  
  
Abe: We can go to heaven when our living friends find out that Marlena's the killer.  
  
Brady: So we're basically stuck here for eternity.  
  
ALL: Yep.  
  
(Victor walls into the room stark naked)  
  
Brady: GRANDDAD! Since you died in the bathtub, you have to stay naked?!  
  
Victor: Hell no. I wasn't even killed by Marlena. I was just boning Caroline.  
  
Roman: GOD DON'T MENTION THAT!  
  
(^_^)  
  
(Sami and Lucas are on their way to pick up Will at school, but the car won't start. This completely ordinary and rather minor problem is complicated by their intense yet suppressed love and sexual attraction towards each other)  
  
Sami: LUCAS! You stuck it in wrong!!  
  
Lucas: No I didn't. This ignition is tricky. You have to twist and turn and jiggle it a little.  
  
Sami: Dammit, just stick it in harder. HARDER DAMMIT!  
  
Lucas: Okay, calm down, don't start up your temper. You don't want to embarrass Will today.  
  
Sami: ME EMBARRASS WILL? (Storms out the car, angry for the 9,582,323th time) DAMMIT, GOODBYE LUCAS, I'M WALKING!!  
  
(Sami 'walks' right over a caution sign and steps on a High Voltage box)  
  
Sami: fHIGOEEEEEEEEheiggggggggir lucaaaasssssss I looooooooooove u (faints)  
  
(^_^)  
  
Abby and Gram are waiting on the curb armed with helmets and hockey sticks when they are picked up by Jen and Patrick.  
  
Jen: Oh, Gram, I left my tampons in your bathroom.  
  
Gram (shocked and appalled) Deary, you are, umm, pregnant, aren't you?  
  
Jen: I'll be right back. You guys talk to Patrick, the strange shirtless man I took in!  
  
Patrick: Hi  
  
(Jen goes inside. Abby and Gram are apprehensive)  
  
Patrick: You lovely ladies shouldn't worry about me. I'll show you that I have nothing to hide...  
  
(Gram swiftly hits him in the balls with the hockey stick before Patrick 'shows' them anything.)  
  
Jen (exiting the house): I'm ready, guys! PATRICK!! Oh my, you're clutching your groin in pain!! Did your back go out again?!  
  
(Abby and Gram sigh and pray for Jennifer's brain)  
  
(^_^)  
  
Shawn and Belle meet outside the police station.  
  
Belle: I know you want to accuse my mom as the serial killer. And I'm PISSED about it!  
  
Shawn: I don't want to get you upset Belle. I know your brother just died today.  
  
Belle: What? Oh, I don't care about that anymore. Wait, what was I saying?  
  
(Belle tries to regain the thoughts that so frequently leave her while Shawn considers his Marlena theory)  
  
Shawn: Marlena is the logical suspect. But if I accuse her, and I'm wrong, Belle will hate me. What's more important, catching a violent, bloodthirsty killer, or Belle's companionship?  
  
(spookily, nearby)  
  
Brady: CATCH MARLENA YOU DUMBASS! Why can't Shawn hear me??  
  
Maggie: Stop wasting your time with him, he can't hear you.  
  
Caroline: Besides, all the cool ghosts torture Celeste!  
  
(back to the living)  
  
Belle: Hey I remember! You're gonna tell your Mom that my Mom is the killer! If you do that, then I'll make you regret it.  
  
Shawn: How?  
  
Belle (smug): I'll do what Mimi does to Rex when they have a fight.  
  
Shawn: Withhold sex?  
  
Belle: Exactly!  
  
Shawn: We don't have sex.  
  
Belle: Oh. Well what the hell do we do together?  
  
Shawn: Hug?  
  
Belle: In that case, NO MORE HUGS!  
  
Shawn (horrified at the thought): PLEASE! –D-Don't do that!! I swear, I don't think you're mom is guilty. Ummm, I was just, uhh, g-going to tell my mom, umm, the LEAST likely person to be the killer.  
  
Belle: Yep, then tell her. She's walking out now.  
  
Hope (walking out of the station): Hi kids. Any news or theories on the killer?  
  
Shawn (awkwardly) YES!  
  
(Belle smiles while Hope looks concerned.)  
  
Shawn: BELLE'S MOM IS THE LEAST LIKELY PERSON TO BE THE KILLER!  
  
Hope: Okay...  
  
Belle: We have to go now. (whispers to Shawn): I've got special hugs for you!  
  
(Shawn giggles. The two leave a concerned Hope at the station)  
  
Hope: My poor boy. He really needs to get laid.  
  
(^_^)  
  
Lucas: SAMI! Are you okay?  
  
Sami (waking up): Honey, why am I on the ground? We musn't be late dear, our darling son William needs to get picked up promptly!  
  
Lucas: Please don't yell.......wait, did you just call me honey?  
  
Sami: Of course, you're my husband right? Now let's get William from his laborious studies at school and I'll make a yummy chicken pot pie for dinner! With peach cobbler for desert!  
  
Lucas: Sami, we're not marri........umm........you'll make peach cobbler? Really?  
  
Sami (smiling): Of course!  
  
Lucas (smiling): Well let's go then!  
  
Coming up next time: More Superdad Bo! The ghosts play evil tricks on Celeste! Will Lucas like nice Sami? Can John get stupider? Or Shawn? Philip and Kate hijinks! 


End file.
